Good news, or great news

So here’s how my week’s going, and it’s only Wednesday:

1. Marc, our awesomest support person (and part time uber-inspector on my gold-plated commode team) is leaving in a few months to pursue his Ph.D. at a top-tier university. It’s not surprising since Marc is that awesome, but also because he’ll be making about the same amount being a student. I am happy for him, but there will be a huge gap in his absence.

His replacement started yesterday. As is quirky custom, he was paraded in front of the entire company and given a formal introduction by Cliff. It’s like fraternity hazing, but with grocery store cake instead of air paddles. Cliff began:

“Joe Schmo was previously working in the hospitality engineering industry as … [Cliff squints at his paper, then moves it forward and back] a mixologist. He just finished his associates degree in [more squinting] submered pannier interlacing at [readjusts] a community college and is still living with his parents. Let’s all give him a warm welcome!”

Tepid applause. A few furtive glances were exchanged: are we fucking desperate? I hope, hope, hope I am wrong about this guy, but I have a very poor first impression.

2. Marc’s vacancy leaves a gap on my team that will be filled by … (wait for it) … Bucky… who hasn’t fared too well on the Team of Misfit Toys. Worried that he’s my next Sid, I’ve expressed my reservations. Normally, this would play out in one of three ways:

a Bucky pursues other opportunities.

b) Magic Ponies will persuade Bucky to suck it up and work at being a productive member of my team.

c) There is a pile of Magic Pony unicorn poo that I have to deal with.

He’s apparently being given a two week trial, suggesting no visits from unicorns. He starts tomorrow.

3. Princess is moving to the opposite coast in May. Like Marc, she is laughably overqualified and underpaid for what she actually does. (And… she has amazing Powers of Sarcasm!) When she first gave notice — and she’d very generously given several months’ notice — she indicated she’d be amenable to remote contracting, which all the technical people (including the cranky ones) were for.

The Politburo took six weeks to discuss the issue because a member was vehemently opposed. I will not speculate except to say we’re short-sighted. Princess will find a much more lucrative, permanent position. Meanwhile, I am bracing for Joe’s cousin, the bus boy, being hired as her replacement.

Princess’ officemate gave three month’s notice. I don’t know her well. Her replacement: Groundskeeper Willie?

4. The company had record profit in 1Q, but will be awarding no bonuses. (This “quarter for a great quarter” last year didn’t sit well.) It is unfortunate that we are also unable to hire a much-needed carpenter, but the shareholder-owners were able to issue a large cash dispensation.