Four times a day

On Monday, we were informed by building management that there will be an immediate remodeling of the bathrooms on even-numbered floors.  One person suggested they found body of Jimmy Hoffa. No, it’s just “remodeling.”  But then, this is an office building.  What are they actually going to “remodel.”

For the women’s bathroom, the we’ve speculated they’re installing an upgraded Dolby Surround Sound home entertainment system to complement the plus, Italian leather custom sofa that was installed last month.

For the men’s bathroom, expectations are lower:

• Faucets that shut off.
• $4 plunger for the obstinate toilet in the handicap stall.
• A litter bin for used paper towels.
• Paper towels.
• Urinal cakes with little targets painted on them. (Yes, that’s for you, Nick.)

Going up or down a floor to attend to bodily functions would be mildly annoying, but not onerous… except that the stairwell doors are locked. As several of us have discovered, once you enter, you’re committed to going all the way down, then exiting the building through a separate area — not even back into the lobby. (This answers my question about whether the people on 2nd floor are totally lazy lard-asses, they just don’t have keys, either.)

There’s only one working elevator servicing the Captain Sarcastic Spire. Another’s broken and the third is not linked in as it’s used for freight. Sometimes, if I get impatient, I’ll summon it by pressing the secret button. The engineer caught me in the freight elevator Friday morning. He said expect this to go on for three weeks. Awesome!

I’ve been able to cut my bathroom sorties to two per day by drinking less coffee, tea and water and using meditation to suppress bodily urges.