Espresso Love

Human Resources has been sending us daily email updates on the status of the new coffee machine.  The financial justification is an aggressive overstimation of the savings in productivity when people are no longer making the five-minute walk to one of five coffeehouses within a block.  They did not want to consider that, possibly, people want to just get out of the office.  Stagnant air and no conditioning and all that.

Our first coffee machine had a power plug. After adding a filter and spooning in an appropriate amount of ground coffee, one would pour water in the top, flip the rocker switch to “1″ and wait.  Maintaining coffee fullness required an arbitration algorithm known as “Finish the pot, start the next one. Or you will die.” The machine lasted a few years.

The next three coffee machines became increasingly more complicated, requiring a water source, special disposable coffee packages and regular cleaning. When the machine broke down, HR would absolutely freak out, calling upon Saint Robusta to make blessings and exorcise the evil spirits (spilt coffee grounds) from the intricate mechanism. Hourly status updates would accompany this.

The new machine does not merely make “coffee.” (Hell, if you wanted just coffee, you could go to Dunkin’ Donuts. Be sure to bring me back a Bavarian Creme™-filled donut!) No-siree! Our machine will make cappuccinos. And lattes. And espresso. Iced or hot. With a batallion of flavor syrups, an option for version 2.0, we will have within our grasp the power to make anything… except Frappuccinos™, a registered trademark of the Starbucks corporation. (We wouldn’t want the Seattle Coffee Mafia paying us a visit to “explain their licensing options,” if you know what I mean.)

The new apparatus was delivered in components.  Once we were judged worthy, we gutted our break room, wiring up special Ethiopian Electricity and running pipes for the Columbian Water Cascade feeding into the Java of Life vestibule. There is a new, dedicated refrigerator for storing the twelve kinds of milk that are used in essential to running our business.  We also have an ice machine that generates the little O-shaped ice with a hollow interior.  It’s a scientific fact that Iced Cappuccinos taste better on curved, frozen water.

Mails from this week:

Monday:

The table for the coffee machine is in place!!!!  The refrigerator that will hold the milk for your lovely latte’s is also in place.  This refrigerator will be dedicated to latte’s milk only.  (This means you, Captain Sarcastic!!!)  It is currently locked.

The [dedicated] ice maker is being installed. It will sit on top of the [dedicated  milk] refrigerator.

Tuesday:

I forgot to mention that you will need to be certified before you are permitted to use the new machine.  I am circulating a sign-up sheet for training on its use and maintenance.

Wednesday:

We are testing the refrigerators to determine how loud they are and how fast they will [chill milk to 33 degrees F/make fancy ice with holes in it, respectively].

Thursday:

Coffee beans are being purchased based on a recommendation of [some coffee snob who works for us] who knows “this guy who can get things.”  I can’t say more, except we will have regular, decaf and semi-caf.   We are investigating pricing of shade-grown, free range, organic coffee bundled in symmetric hemp.

Friday:

The coffee machine will NOT be ready today. We have been rescheduled for the customized installation to sometime next week, probably Wednesday.   Cliff is aware of the situation.  Please remain calm.  Please relay concerns to your division’s vice president.

Immediately, I sent email to my foremen telling them I would be out of the office until “sometime next week, probably Wednesday” to search the building for pods.