All good things

Nick, the main proprietor of the labyrinthine consumer financing company next door that, ironically, has purchased the keywords for “cockamamie mortgage,” is renown for his ability to maintain a phone conversation while attending to vital bodily functions:

Nick: No, no, no, the subordinated debenture with seventy five basis points has a hypotenuse of thirty cubits. [and other financial nonsense] the deal I’m offering might initially sound unbalanced, but it’s really a …

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Nick: ground-floor opportunity that I would only offer to

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Nick: friends and top-tier go-getters. If you’re not ready ….

Nick’s manners makes it hard to be sympathetic that his company is literally going down the toilet with other sub-prime lenders, but Nick’s downfall is an opportunity for our division to do a much-needed expansion of its office space without moving into a completely new building. Unfortunately, this has to be done through a series of complicated office swaps and semi-builds.

A committee has been formed to allocate office space. Seizing upon this as an opportunity to further optimize lean, they’ve decided to put teams closer together. Everyone is on-board with being proximate, as in “adjacent offices.” Unfortunately, at the behest of the consultant who talks on his phone during my meetings, this has been taken to the other extreme. People accustomed to working in singles and doubles are now facing the prospect of sharing the same four walls with their entire team.

Not coincidentally, there has been a surge of interest in the telecommuting benefit.

The decision to herd everyone up is puzzling on a variety of levels. This is not high school. I come to work to do a job and do it well. (I also spend a lot of off-hours working, but that’s my problem.) I do not need to overhear that a certain coworker’s girlfriend is going to “greet him at the door, wearing the lion tamer’s outfit.”  TMI!  TMI!  TMI!

In these situations, it’s hard to tell if the decision has already been made. For example, when people in my group protested, suggesting consideration of just having doubles, the response is “why don’t you just give it a try?”

Here’s why: According to Nick (who was finally off the phone), the building owner will offer us some TIs (”Tenant Improvements”) as a concession for the requirement we extend our lease another five years. Knocking down a lot of walls is going to be expensive. We won’t pay for this directly, but more TIs means less favorable lease terms. Adding these walls back would be on our own dime, meaning it won’t be done.

In an attempt to assuage the concerns of those who say sharing a room with five or six people would “decrease productivity” because of the noise, the company has offered to buy people noise-canceling headsets and air guitars. There will also be a separate single office for hoteling and “making personal calls.”

As I’m on the phone or talking with people constantly, I was in line for getting a private office. I expect I may have killed that idea by publicly raising concerns that my coworkers concerns are being ignored

Update: Nope!  Oh, I love my manager!