A Fistful of Dollars

To tangibly reinforce the success of the business, a component of bonuses is doled out in envelopes containing crisp $20s or $100s, depending on the magnitude of success of the quarter. Several months ago, the controller and I were on the way to the bank to get bills for Q3 bonuses. I got wind that Cliff wanted to do something different for fourth quarter. We were to inquire on its feasibility:

Controller: What would be involved if we wanted to get [50 one dollar coins per employee]?

Captain Sarcastic [hintfully]: Please feel free to tell us that this is impossible.

Bank teller: Interesting question…

Captain Sarcastic: Or would take a very long advance notice. Six months or longer (wink) would be great.

Bank teller: For that many, two or three days. We probably have that much in our vaults right now. Would you like me to check?

Controller and Captain Sarcastic: No!

I had been optimistic that Cliff would lose interest or get a good night’s sleep, giving the idea a chance to follow.

But no.

After a skit following our strategic “sales theme,” Cliff went over the numbers. The tangible portion of our bonus was a sack of two hundred one dollar coins. Part of me feels guilty for complaining, because this is better than first quarter’s bonus. But two hundred?! It’s probably good that my comment: “Hey, I got a ‘Nixon‘!” completely went over people’s heads.

And in case you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

• Each sack contained 3 1/2 pounds of coins.
• The bank needed two weeks’ notice for the quantity requested.
• The coins are pretty, with the year, “E Pluribus Unum” and “In God We Trust” engraved on the side.
• Most people brought them back to the bank. Some banks required the coins be rolled first.
• I have been spending mine. The n00b at the Starbucks register had a “what the hell is this?” reaction. (But not a Taco Bell reaction!) The cute hippie chick at the organic bakery thought they were cool. At least they don’t look like quarters!

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Overheard in the hallway: El Jefe is demanding more executive bonus. I suppose there’s no harm in asking, but it would be funny if they countered by deducting all of the time he wasted. “You owe us $400,000.”