To catch everyone up on the coffee saga … Yesterday:
“New machine is scheduled to be installed tomorrow morning. Get your coffee while you can. We will not have filtered cold water for several days.”
Oh, the horror - people will have to drink Source Municipal at room temperature!
First update this morning, 7:30 a.m.:
“The new machine should be installed this morning, the coffee technician is on the way to the office right now. Plan on coffee being available by 10:00.”
Not the actual coffee maker
The Coffee Technician arrives at 8:00 and proceeds to plug everything in. Around 9:00, I overhear him instructing the HR department on the use of the machine, making statements like:
“The Coffulator DMC-12 needs latinum mesh wiring — which you already have — otherwise, its flux capacitor will have to be recalibrated, which [whistles] gets pretty hairy.”
It takes conscious effort to not laugh at this guy explaining things at the nano-scale to an audience that Does Not Need To Know This Level of Detail. At 10:45, the VP of HR sends out an email to everyone in the company: “Coffee training. Breakroom. Now!”
Bat Crazy Doris is tasked with translating the two hours of edumacation from the Coffee Technician, who’s sitting down on a table in the room, chatting away on his wireless.
Aside: As much as I hate cell phones in public places, the wireless bluetooth headbud things are fucking creepy because you never know if the person chatting away is a psychopath or just being an asshole.
Now, to supply a visual, the machine looks a bit like the “Astra Super Mega II Automated Commercial Espresso Machine & Coffee Center” shown to the right. It’s difficult to see the buttons, but it’s pretty obvious how this should work:
- Put a coffee cup under the spout.
- Select what you want.
- Press start.
- When the scalding hot liquid stops flowing, remove cup and enjoy your beverage!
Doris is trying to recount the information as best as she could. When she pauses to breathe, the Coffee Technician takes occasional breaks from his phone conversation to interject Arcane Coffee Technician Knowledge, intended to woo the crowd. We want a cup of coffee, not a Masters in Caffeinology.
Tired of waiting, I push ahead and make a latte. Two buttons and thirty seconds while everyone watches in eager attention. Before I am allowed to return to my desk, I am obliged to take a sip there, and make my informed judgement as to its authenticity.
The email updates continued! This nugget:
The milk in the refrigerator by the coffee machine is ONLY for the coffee machine. Please do not use this milk for your cereal, for a glass or milk, making flan, ice cream or any other purpose.
unfortunately started a torrent of cross-email, sucking the productivity of half the smart-assery in the building:
I have a question about the “glass of milk” prohibition. Why is the company willing to provide a latte, but not a glass of milk, which is simply a latte minus the coffee ?
HR promptly answered this:
Starting Monday there will be a 25¢ “donation” requested for lattes, cappuccinos or any milk based drinks. This minimal charge will help offset the milk expense and may change from time to time.
But then:
Requiring the coffee with the milk will limit the amount of milk you consume, thus ensuring that enough milk is available for the coffee drinkers, which I presume is the objective.
What if we used two cups, one for the coffee, one for the milk? I could give the coffee to Charles.
What if we filled our cereal bowls with lattes instead of milk?
My theory is the coffee machine milk has some special property that makes it work better with the coffee machine. Perhaps coffee machine milk contains some kind of expensive coffee machine lubricant that the company doesn’t want to spend money on unless you are actually using in in the coffee machine. Or perhaps said lubricant is toxic unless combined with caffeine. Although if that were the case, the problem of coffee-machine milk theft would eventually work itself out.
Argh. I need to get out of the office… maybe I’ll walk to the coffee house with the cute barista.
