I knew the vendor’s “free, educational event” was really a soft-sell presentation, but I wanted to see their product pitch. Having sat in on enough of these from both sides, I’m amused at how similar all presentations are. Let’s walk through the agenda!
10:00 a.m. – 10:15 a.m. Registration - the only reason you’d come early is if you want to score a generic pastry or a seat up front. It’s generous they have this later in the morning because it means attendees can take a leisurely morning arriving — which is precisely what I did.
10:15 a.m. – 10:30 a.m. Welcome/Introduction of products - This is the first sales pitch… but only after the A/V equipment gods are pleased. Soon, it becomes audience participation time: “No, press fn-F8.” “Try it again.” “We need batteries for the remote.” “Where’s this cable go?” “Edit your config.sys” Yes, even in 2008, these things are still finicky. When the planets achieve harmonic convergence, a computer image is projected. The presenter logs in to reveal a desktop is littered with a thousand little icons. Oh, the humanity! It reminds me of another presenter who had interesting names like “naked.avi” scattered among business documents. <shudder>
The presenter has a thick, distracting accent. His company is the local reseller, the one actually sponsoring the event. Godzilla Corporation received all the billing, as they are the main draw. Otherwise, his presentation is like every other where he throws up a slide with his company information and map of local offices:
“Hi we are Tiny, LLC. Blah blah blah. We partner with our customers. Blah blah blah synergy. Blah blah blah partner.”
Dude, it’s a partnership if we both share in the profits and losses. If money flows one direction, which it does, then it’s a client-vendor relationship. (Our guys do the same spiel and this is what I’m thinking.)
“I would like to introduce [Tom, Dick and Harry, who are all sitting in the back row, observing the crowd and eating the generic pastries.]“
Given the reactions of a couple of people in the audience, Tom is a sales engineer they’ve worked with. No clue who Dick and Harry are, nor why I should care.
“Tiny, LLC, was established in [...]“
If this question ever comes up on Jeopardy!, then I’ll kick ass. Otherwise: I. Don’t. Care.
“We also have affiliate offices in Detroit, Philadelphia, Dallas and Los Angeles.”
And since I don’t live in these places, I care because? At this point, I regret not bringing my laptop. I zone out for a few minutes until this guy’s done.
10:30 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. Product pitch - This was the actual thing I came to see. The guy enunciated well, he was mildly entertaining, and he managed to stroke the egos of the Knowledegable Users by playing the game “Do you remember in version [n-3] where [some characteristic].” Old farts nodding their head, countering with another attribute that’s improved since version [n-4]. Users dig that stuff.
11:30 a.m. – 12:30 p.m. Lunch - Lunch serves dual purposes beyond the obvious “feeding people.” First, it’s an opportunity for the sales critters to deploy among the group, hitting them up for information:
So, do ya have a budget for this year? Who would be the best person to contact in your organization? Say, is [some name from their customer relationship management system] still at your company?
They’ll use this to fine tune the demonstration scheduled for later. Sales guys who can do this without making it obvious are amazing to watch.
The second purpose is constructing the schedule this way is to give the illusion of a large audience while actually “dividing and conquering.” The sales people know that Bob, a mid-level IT managers from Megalon Heavy Industries, is in attendance. Bob has no doubt told his boss he’ll be attending an all-day, free educational seminar, but has the full intent of heading home after lunch. The subtle part: everyone’s okay with this!
The sales critters at Godzilla Corporation look upon this as an opportunity to give the illusion of a full crowd at the beginning, so as not to spook the two actual prospects in attendance who’d otherwise find themselves outnumbered by “sales engineers” four to one. Even though Bob’s not in the corporate purchase food chain, they’ll use the opportunity to inflate his importance by calling on him during the presentation.
Being complicit with Bob’s extra time off makes Bob a valuable ally when sales heat up. “As we mentioned to Bob during our free, educational seminar last June [...]” because Bob cannot say “You know, Vern, I have no idea how or if this stuff works. I left early to go bang my wife before the kids got home from school.”
The boss knows Bob’s going to play hookey for the day, and is okay with this because officially, Bob has been attending an educational seminar. “Free” means it doesn’t come out of anyone’s budget. Besides, Vern doesn’t want to be questioned when it’s his turn to leave early for an “off-site seminar that, by sheer coincidence, is on my way home.”
12:30 p.m. – 13:30 p.m. Live demonstration - The demonstration will be customized based on information received from lunchtime reconnaissance, usually by calling out specific hot buttons for the two prospects. In the unlikely event Bob is still hanging around, there will be some nods to him. “Isn’t that right, Bob?” “Bob’s an expert in this.” Beaming, Bob will remain in check. Third party endorsements are a powerful thing.
13:30 p.m. – 14:00 p.m. Summary and close - this is the infamous “call to action.” We’ll tell you what we just told you and remind you, again, to make sure you provide your business card and contact information on the sign-up sheet so you can be entered in the drawing for a [whatever, valued at less than an hour's worth of your time].
Since Bob has definitely gone home by now, they can leverage the four-on-one time to schedule a visit and demo.
