Knowing how cheap my company is, I was immediately suspicious when the “health fair” fliers started appearing on various walls. The email blurb confirmed it:

Next week [organization that has nothing to do with our health care provider] will be here from noon to 2:00 pm in the lunch room. Southside Smoothies will have samples for you to try. You can get your blood pressure, bone density and posture checked. Or, have a nice little chair massage. If you have been curious about Acupuncture, Naturopathy, Chiropractic, Life Coaching, Feng Shui, Cosmetic Dentistry, The Franklin Mint’s Collector Plates or Astrology, this will be your chance to talk to someone and get the information you need.

Okay, I made up only the last four items. The response I wanted to send, but didn’t, since this message came from HR: Seriously?

In one click, I found the [organization that has nothing to do with our health care provider] is a group of independent business owners - many alternative medicine practitioners - who, not coincidentally, offer services that aren’t, uh, rigorously subjected to the Scientific Method.

I have acquaintances who swear by their Acupuncturist or Naturopath or Chiropractic… who they visit weekly because recovery is “just around the corner.” One coworker has gone from mild dyspepsia to bona fide hives when she’s in the same room as wheat, soy, dairy, nuts, and rectangular foods like Soylent Green. Her Naturopath identified these new things to be allergic to. And yes, I think it’s psychosomatic. But it results in more visits and a sooner cure!

Reviewing the biographies of the health care professionals’ credentials was illuminating. None hesitate to point out they are Doctor of [their field], having received certification from specialized schools whose names (e.g., “Life University”) I initially thought were made up. Their education is a steep investment. For example, Chiropractic education costs over $100k. Jesus.

Anyway, the [organization that has nothing to do with our health care provider] positions its client prospecting activities as a cost-free benefit the employer can provide that:

• Promotes workplace safety!
• Improves employee morale!
• Is an excellent employee benefit!
• Show [the employer] cares!
• Provides FREE or low-cost consultations with knowledgeable health care professionals

(What in Sam Hill does acupuncture have to do with workplace safety?)

The “free” services are passive things like blood pressure testing. It’s so easy, you can even do it free at the little machines in the Kroger pharmacy section. Their “bone density” is actually a “bone density screening,” and uses a device that looks like a foot bath. Not only is the test limited, it’s not very accurate. It’s harmless, but probably unnecessary unless you have certain risk factors.

Posture checking uses a Spinal Analysis Machine that looks like a door frame, but with strings spanning the height and width. It looks as stupid as it sounds. I had to restrain myself from laughing at the guy diligently … whatever it was he was doing.

The practitioners set up a perimeter around our break room. A taut, high-heeled lady was gatekeeper to the free mini-smoothies.  She was an apprentice to HalfMD’s “How to be a drug rep.” As my lunch was in the fridge (and needing to be heated up), I had no choice but to go in.  She chirpily pointed out, more than once, that I could “win a door prize” by filling out the little personal information form, having it endorsed at four “stations,” then depositing it in the fish bowl. I considered giving Bucky’s name (as this was his last week), but walked past her.  While I was microwaving my soup, I was listening to the cacophony of sales pitches. “Why don’t you give me your card?” “Hey, why not set up a complimentary evaluation at my office.”

Great, now I need a shower.

Later in the afternoon, the Vice President of HR sent mail prompting people to thank the junior HR person who organized this. There was also a survey from [organization that has nothing to do with our health care provider].  And on this survey, more questions gathering personal information. Oh, and bring a business card by for the door prize drawing.  (Wait, they didn’t do this earlier?)

The coworker I mentioned above won the door prize.