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Survey Says: Bzzt
Whereas a sane person would look above and beyond his monitor – and place credence in his directs – El Jefe is so enamored with his complex spreadsheets, he’s missing the big picture. This is jeopardizing our company.
His value added thus boils down to the following:
- Spend all day mired in anti-useful, complicated spreadsheets
- Post a graphical thermometer of metrics
- Make shit up
This week, he’s doing this at a Vice Minister level.
Captain Sarcastic: Your revised proposed delivery date of October 31st is untenable. Since my team is not working over Christmas, you’re telling me we aren’t doing field testing, right? [I want him to call bullshit on his own schedule.]
El Jefe: If we deliver on [The blank stare fucking frightens me; it's as if his mechanical overlords are generating a new subroutine. He starts shifting uncomfortably in his seat, makng a subtle grunting noise] October 12th, that gives you plenty of time for validation.
Captain Sarcastic: [I swat at a winged monkey.] Have you consulted your team?
El Jefe: [blank stare: why the hell would I do that?]
Thus, without any substantiation beyond a fictitious worksheet, gastroenteritis, and flying monkeys whispering soothing aphorisms, the schedule is magically feasible. He will hand-code a weighting factor into the spreadsheet to support his wishful thinking.
I’m preparing for damage control.
Tangentially related, the second quarterly employee survey has wrapped up, expanding upon some of the HR-specific questions asked previously. There were no surprises: people want fewer expired condiments in the company refrigerators, better premium cable television in the bathrooms, and the option to vote for Kodos who will help us all twirl, always twirl toward freedom.
The most interesting tidbit was how El Jefe’s division fared. Whereas the previous survey suggested a problem, the results to these two questions confirm one:
Question A: Does your manager make good decisions?
Answer Division
EJAll other
DivisionsHell no 14% 0% No 22% 0% I dunno 35% 0% Yeah 20% 48% Hell Yeah 8% 52%
Question B: Is your manager honest?
Answer Division
EJAll other
DivisionsHell no 7% 0% No 15% 0% I dunno 42% 0% Yeah 6% 28% Hell Yeah 30% 72%
The results speak for themselves.
You are such a cynic. I love you. Keep writing!
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