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I need a Cray Supercomputer
Last week, El Jefe announced he was upgrading his computer’s memory from 2Gb to 4Gb because (wait for it) he was unable to effectively run the large, self-generated spreadsheets used for scheduling.
Spreadsheets are used instead of Microsoft Project because… everyone has access to Excel.
So, logically, everyone needs a memory upgrade to 4Gb. QED
El Jefe’s primary job, besides interfering with everyone and adding extra fonts to meaningless emails, is to schedule resources among projects. He’s set up this Rube Goldberg series of tools to converting one set of bullshit assumptions into a completely unbelievable and inaccurate set of bullshit calendar dates. Or so is my assessment after a half hour reviewing them. I found two math errors (in a fucking spreadsheet?!), two bad assumptions a nine-year old wouldn’t be so daft to make, and numbers that were substituted for formulas — probably as part of a “what if we employed faeries” scenario.
One amusing nugget was seeing a Hot Shot Engineer scheduled:
40% Project Unicorn
50% Project Swamp Thing
20% Project Deep Space Nine
Yes, goooooo team! Let’s have everyone give 110%
[...] precision with accuracy. 95.44997361036% is a precise number. It is also an inaccurate one when some people are scheduled to 110%. Or, when he does “what if” scenarios in meetings, assigning [...]
[...] recommended we find another engineer to pitch in. The best qualified was Grace, the lead on project Swamp Thing. She’s smart, stubborn, and cares deeply about her work. We get along well. Before Swamp [...]