Fiscal Planning

Any meeting with El Jefe ultimately degenerates to this pattern:

El Jefe: Ill-informed assertion X

Captain Sarcastic: Objective explanation why X is bad. Factual statement Y.

El Jefe: What I am hearing you say is X.

Captain Sarcastic: You need to have your hearing checked. I am clearly saying Y

El Jefe: What is it about X that you disagree with?

And so on. Everything is a master-debate with him, in part because he craves negotiating, but mostly because he’s an idiot and doesn’t know it.Yesterday, I got snookered into a “brainstorming” meeting. But first, some background:

Trevor is an apprentice plumber. He’s enthusiastic, means well, and wants to please, but he’s young, which is to say, his work needs a lot of supervision. Most often, this is as simple, like reminding him to trim the dangling pieces of Teflon tape. Occasionally, it’s more serious.  Like: he’ll forget a weld. As soon as water’s turned on, the pipe sprays. We’ve been lucky that we’ve caught the most recent problem early, before too much damage was done to the customer’s downstairs guest bedroom.  The master plumber likes Trevor — as we all do — but thinks he needs to apprentice another nine months to a year (tops) before he can go out on his own.

Sensing an opportunity to grow his empire and leverage one of the few non-hostile subordinates, El Jefe has talked up promoting Trevor to doing full-blown bathroom remodels. Trevor’s position would be back-filled with an apprentice to be hired, as that’s what El Jefe really wants. Naturally, Trevor’s likes the idea of having someone else fish clumps of organic material out of toilets. Who wouldn’t?

So, this afternoon, we had this conversation.

El Jefe: “I need your 2008 forecasts of upcoming projects to cost-justify a second plumber.”

Captain Sarcastic: “I need Trevor to install two water heaters, run a gas line to a dryer, and unclog some sinks. We don’t need to consider a second plumber until a year from now.”

El Jefe: “So I should plan on hiring Trevor’s apprentice to start next January?”

Captain Sarcastic: “No, all of the work can be accomplished by Trevor. Alone. In fact, he should have extra time left.”

El Jefe: “Why do you think we don’t need any plumbers?”

Captain Sarcastic: “I am saying that hiring another plumber cannot be your most critical area to staff. What are you going to do for an architect? Herr Crankypants is likely retiring next year. Do you have any plans to hire a mason to build facades for the building makover? “

I had to explain to him in different ways. I thought I was off the hook because I didn’t need “Mister Pinky,” my sock puppet edumacator.

Later in the day, we had Yet Another Strategy PlAnning Meeting (YASPAM) brainstorming about what will be The Next Big Thing. Think three years. Think millions of dollars in return. Think (if you’re El Jefe) “blah blah blah to justify a second plumber.” This derailed the group for a few minutes.

I admire the guy’s tenacity, but truly wish he the Clue Fairy would sneak up and beat the snot out of him with her magic Clue Baton.